This will be the last time I will write to you. I wanted to let you know I have signed the papers you desperately wanted me to sign and shall be posting them to you via land mail in the coming days.
I did however; want to leave with some parting words. During the time I have known you, I have learnt that you are one who has always been there to help people with their problems, but when it comes to your own, you choose to deal with it yourself. In some cases you hide painful events and memories away in the deepest, darkest corners of your mind and convince yourself of a scenario and live with it. I believe you have done the same in this instance.
Everyone deals with trials and tribulations in their own way. I cannot and will not ask you to change your methods, but as someone that truly does love you, I will tell you this; dismissing and hiding certain traumatic events only leads to misguided decisions being made, even if we feel we’re making the right one at the time.
For many years, I carried a burden and I felt by dealing with internally was the right way to deal with it. In fact, it wasn’t dealing with it at all. I simply had put it away and convinced myself it was the right decision. The way things have unravelled, I know now that it wasn’t the right thing to do. I hope for your sake, you understand this someday and your pride allows you to do so.
Your last words to me still resonate with me very clearly.
“If we ever had children, they could never look up to you” and “You will never change”.
Unfortunately, I really wanted to try hard with you because all I saw was us reconciling, not you standing firm in your decision. I believed your parents would not abandon the idea of us being a family, but I was wrong. By persisting I only followed what I believed to be correct.
It would have been easier if I had been lying about the events of the past to simply not try and move on. However, that is not the case. I did not mean to upset you by trying to speak with you and contact you. Unfortunately, I may have done that and coupled with your lack of willingness to even address the issue that you might be wrong makes this whole situation impossible.
Whilst this whole situation has been about what I have done wrong, you all seem to be blinded by this and have overlooked even the slightest possibility of my innocence. However, I do not have the strength to even ask myself why your guardians and well-wishers will not even give us an opportunity.
I do not have the willpower to continue to try and convince you anymore that I am not guilty of what I have been accused of and that I am sincerely sorry and deeply regret the mistakes I have made.
I hope someday you realise your perspective and methods of dealing can never solve a problem.
You have found a way to convince yourself of my guilt has only led to pain for more people, which of course was initiated by me. The “blame game” we play every day.
If at all you can swallow your pride and want to reconsider your decision, I shall wait. I shall always be waiting. This is not some sadistic desire to continue feeling the pain, but the awareness I have not lied and have been true to myself.
Being true to myself, which has also involved seeking help, getting better and changing in a way you didn’t believe was possible, or won’t allow yourself to believe.
You told me, I had done nothing for you and you wanted to be free. So, I hope the last thing I do, is something that sets you free and that is to sign and return the papers to you.
I shall always love you and carry with me this regret of not having you in my life. Even though none of you can forgive me, I shall forgive you all for your attitude and outlook towards me, for holding on to that anger is a burden I cannot bear.
I do not have the strength to be angry at you for not believing me or at your parents for their view towards our marriage.
I hope God illuminates your path and lets you always remind yourself that running from troubles and trials will not save any of us. I hope God tells you that my prayers for you were real and when His judgment finally arrives, I hope for that one moment you see that I was telling the truth. Unfortunately by then it will be too late, but I still hope you see it, even for that fleeting moment.
Be free like you said you wanted to be. Be free like you deserve and be free like you couldn’t be with me still lingering in the air.
Always yours, with love and sadness.